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12 July 2015 @ 10:30 am
No. Why would I want to do that? You're making yourself feel better by hurting someone else. They hurt you through rejection and so you want to hurt them or feel vindication. All for something that you have no control over. They thought it was the right thing to do at the time with the information they had. But what does rejection do to you? Nothing. You are exactly the same as you were before. What changes you is acceptance! Your life turns around when you're accepted. If not everything then some big things change. Rejection? You eat some ice cream.
18 June 2015 @ 08:57 pm
I told my mom.

I got a haircut.

I didn't like doing either thing.
12 June 2015 @ 09:54 am
That subject line would make a fun story...

I officially started my Math and Science Institute, calculus 2 class Honors. In the Orientation I sat next to a rocket scientist! Apparently in the Physics Lab class they get to build model rockets and the teacher is a Dr. in his field. I'm so jealous. He was really nice too. I asked him a bunch of school questions and stuff because I like building and working with my hands but I dunno if Ima be an engineer. Depends how school goes. If I can be an astrophysicist then I'd rather that than engineer. If I can't get the math at all then it's nothing so Fingers Crossed!
The class is a 16week class shoved into 8 weeks. It's an honors course so I have an 8page research paper due by July 29th. I am also going to NASA and two other places on a field trip. Boss isn't happy about all the days off I need but screw 'em! School is more important and I'd say that whether I had a fall back or not. I have to make it my top priority not least because this is an honors class to begin with and you know... SCHOOL. There's only 8people in my class too!! Stoked! Personal, one on one help that I can't get anywhere else. Also my professor has his Doctorate so we're in good hands.

Other than that, just excited to see you guys next week!!! I've been working, doing school and not having a life so seeing you guys is going to be he highlight of my life this year. XDXDXDXD Love you!!!
18 May 2015 @ 05:25 pm
We will both be there Fri 19th - Sunday 21st!!!

Can anyone join us Saturday for HP???
Ok! So a little secret... I'm over posting so everyone can get to know me again. Lash has invited me to Orlando and I don't want to feel like a third wheel (to me or to someone else) so I figured if I just posted then we could all be friends. Even if we're not.

Meagan may not come. She hasn't texted me at all today so she must be busy at work. I don't know if she can get the time off. If not, I'll just come up after class Wed afternoon, share a bed, chat it up and then leave Thursday no later than 2p. THIS IS A MAYBE. Like I said, she hasn't gotten back to me but if that's the case then I'll miss HP (again) but I wouldn't miss you for the world. ;) 💋

Like the subject said, it was my mom's bday. I was lucky enough to have the day off and so did she so we got together! I took her to the movies and we saw Hot Pursuit. Sofia is so sexy... And funny. Reese's character was adorable and she did a good job. I would recommend it for people who like mindless cute comedy. Or Sofia. (So sexy!!!) Though I would recommend The Heat first, with Sandra Bullock and Mellissa McCarthy. So. Funny. We bought it. We love it. But back to mom's day! After the movie we went and bought her bday gift that she told me she wanted. It was a big jewelry box that, and I quote. "Might hold all my junk." Lol! If you like me, you may like my mom. She's not as mouthy but she's much smarter than I am and is vey friendly once she gets comfortable. She's shy but she can talk. I wish I could bring her but we would have to go to the park. XD
I keep getting side tracked. After that we rushed to our reservation at the melting pot. It's a fondue restaurant that is a bit pricey. 2 people go for $100. We got out at $157 plus tip. Meagan paid as her gift. (The damn Jewelry box was $100 on sale! And she's not gonna use it for just jewelry. She doesn't have that much. It really is for her junk. I can't tell you how good it feels that I can spend that kind of money now on my mom. Not everyday! Lol But that I could do Something for her.) After that she went home. I had to text her what I really wanted to say but didn't want to come across as weird... I don't know. I feel like others are always judging me and it's been getting worse but the good things that happen keep them at bay. This is what I texted her and her back to me: (I can't post the screen cap from my phone so I have to copypasta.)
Me: I wanted to tell you something. It just didn't seem the right time... I guess. Anyway: if there is anything you ever need; to talk about or me to do or whatever - just ask. I think you are the Most deserving person on this planet. I would do anything just to be there for you. I think this world is too tough and that raising us was supposed to be the hardest thing bc life should eventually get better. I hope that I can make it better for you in some way. I know I don't say things right and I'm sorry. But I want to keep trying to be there and be good. I just want you to be happy. I love you, Mom. Happy Birthday.
Mom: Teary me! You DO say beautiful things. I love you beyond the stars and back again. Sweetykins. 💋💋💖💞

I cried so hard!!! Happy tears that I was loved and that she knows I love her too. Omg, I'm crying now...

I had to take a break because the Feels!!! Slightly better now. That being said, I have nothing left to say. Lol Oh well. I hope everyone's day is pleasant and that I'll get to see you soon. Either Saturday or Wednesday! Meagan finally texted - said she was gonna try to get the day off but we'll see.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo to all!!!
11 May 2015 @ 02:56 pm
I'm shocked. You should've seen my face. I know I had wide eyes and my mouth was a little open and I was just silent and kept looking back at the grade. I enlarged it bc I'm always on my phone just to be sure I saw it correctly... I don't even... I can't.... Omg... I have t heard from the Math and Science Institute yet so Ima call them in a week. Class isn't till June 9th anyway so I'm good to wait for them to get their paperwork sent out, assuming they will for an official acceptance or denial. Financial Aid just denied me bc if my GPA. Long story that I forget if I've already gone over previously or not. One more thing on the long list of life. It never stops.... I make it stop when I stay home and play video games but it has this way of nagging me even then so I never really feel rested...

Anyhow. To get a little personal, Kiwi, in her amazingness, shared Sunstone with me and now I can't stop thinking about it. It's all I want in life for the moment. It's like a new shiney toy that I can't stop playing with. I won't want it everyday but it's even got me thinking about writing again.... I'm not trying to tease anyone who liked my old stuff, I just... Am thinking of getting out my frustrations in story form. I have to read a few stories first. Feel free to rec stuff.

Well, I'm bored at work and want to talk to someone. I don't want to make a huge rambling post so instead I'll just say I Love you all. <3
Ima jump right into it here. My bday was just a day. I worked and I didn't work the station I was supposed to because I hate that station and it's good I didn't since everyone and they're brother came in talking shit about they need whatever. They wanted to cut in over commercials and we can't do that so this guys who's too full of himself calls (or pretended to) the CEO to tattle that we were doing our job by telling him no. Later our boss's boss came in and politely said to do it and apologized for the way Egotistical asshole acted. The day got better though because my mom came by to see me and brought fresh out of the oven cookies!!! Oatmeal chocolate chip with a touch of pecan. I don't usually like pecan but they were chopped up. She also chopped up the oats in the food processor so they weren't so ... Not chewy but like chewing cud with oats that won't break down, you know. I was working with people I actually like that day so I shared the cookies and we were laughing and joking and talking shit about the jerk from before. General good times. Then one of the guys wouldn't stop complementing my mom's cooking and how nice she is. That made me feel really happy because people don't appreciate her enough at all. She's such a good person who did so much for us that I can never be as good as her or pay her back. Made me super happy that he saw something more in her in such a short time, 'cause she was gone by the time that he started saying these nice things.

Sorry, I'm at work and my thoughts are a bit jumbled. I know that I know what I'm talking about but that you might not so I'm sorry if I'm unclear. I shouldn't be typing at work anyway but too bad! Lol

So I don't think I got into the Math and Science Institute. I didn't understand what the test wanted so even though I did the make up test, I didn't know that I didn't get what he wanted so I did the same thing on the make up and failed it twice. I didn't do well on the final either. I'm waiting for my grade to be published but I'm pretty damn sure that I didn't make it. At this point I'm not sure I passed the class. I'm trying really hard to not be down on myself. I feel stupid, not good enough, like I should quit because I'll never make it, I'm going to be stuck living on minimum wage bullshit all my life.... And of course like it would be better if I just left. I'm doing my best to not think these things and tell myself to shut up and not quit and just try again... It's not working so well but enough, I suppose, because I'm telling y'all and as long as I tell someone then it's still going to be okay. It's when I don't say a word that it's bad. Someone who means it will start giving away their valuables and seem happy but that happiness comes from knowing that people are happy with their "gifts" and that it will all be over soon. They never tell you what they're going to do. And then some people don't but... It is what it is.

So fuck that sad shit! My boss showed me a funny picture, which I can't figure out how to post from my phone. It says "best conversation ever" with Hodor, Pikachu, Timmy (from South Park), Groot, and that muppet that only Meeped, Meep.
(If you don't know, they all only say their name. Way to ruin the joke people...)

Hey, on a completely different note: I need some domination in my life so if anyone wants to rec a fic to me or 5 with some deliciousness in it then please do. I prefer Hermione but I'll take pretty much anything at this point, HP or not.
If you could rec a Domm that would make me even happier but probably not my girlfriend! Lol!

I don't know who you guys read besides JK Rowling but I'm into this guy Peter V Brett. He does "The Warded Man" series that I Cannot put down and buy day one release! It's about the world that lost all technology because the demons appeared and tore apart mankind. They only appear at night so you're free during the day to regroup. Wards keep them away but only if the wards are done right. Enter the Warded Man...
Please google it, I'm not doing it justice. I have to watch the news now, unfortunately, because apparently they can't do their goddamn job so we have to jump in and fix their fuck ups or else We're the ones in trouble. Bullshit politics, News are the best and can't do wrong apparently....

It's been fun but I gotta run. Love and kisses and hugs to all. Especially you. ;) 💋
24 April 2015 @ 04:23 am
Before sleep I was getting in bed. Or at least I was trying to. My cat, Meeps, was standing in my spot. She sees me trying to get into bed. I put my arm out to push her back and she jumps over my arm. I just kinda looked at her and wondered when she learned tricks. That's when it hit me that she was being an asshole. She Jumped. Over. My Arm.

22 April 2015 @ 03:35 pm
My calculus professor told me to apply for the Math and Science Institute. I asked about my low GPA (long story, got some F's) and that I hadn't been in school for awhile. He said do it anyway. The day before the deadline I happened to see him and he asked if I had done it. I said no, I don't think my grades will get me in. He encouraged me to just do it. I forgot that I said I would till I was going to bed at 4AM. I only applied because I told him I would. I never expected to get accepted. I just decided that it would figure that I didn't get in.
I got my official letter of provisional acceptance IF I get a B or higher in the calculus class I'm in now. I think I'm at a C but I don't know. Most of my math grades are C's. But I was really happy and then quickly super stressed. Lol I have a quiz and the final left to raise my grade. I'll be studying tonight bc there's also a make up test I'll probably be taking. I just took one yesterday.
There's a tutor for the class after every non-test class. I go every single time. The kid is 19 and I feel like a dunce next to him but he's such a great kid and good guy that we're almost friends. He's going off to college after this term I think. I have to write him a nice note or something. Anyway, by the end of the class and tutor session yesterday I was so wiped mentally and from my back, that I couldn't think about math anymore. I was just seeing white in my head. I started to cry and that's when I realized that I was stressing the hell out. Chronic pain drains me super fast but I don't notice it because I ignore everything until suddenly I'm crashing/freaking out.

I don't know if this post is comprehensive at all. I'm normally so much more ....fucking eloquent, damnit. XD Thanks for trying to understand whatever the hell I just said. I just wanted to share. I'm carefully optimistic about this and I have to admit: it feels kinda good to have a goal to reach for that has nothing to do with my self image.
20 April 2015 @ 05:59 pm
So last post seems to have been good therapy. I got out the bad and realized I just want to feel like it's okay to be happy. Shout out to those that commented and e-mailed. Thank you for your kindness and taking the time to make someone's day just that much better.

Since I have spent most of my time away from journaling I have lost quiet a few friends. I understand that's entirely my fault. I can't promise I'll even keep this up this time around but I do feel that I was thinking of journaling online in the wrong way. MySpace and Facebook made me turn away from putting my life online. I started to see it as "look at me - I want attention" instead of what this particular site is - Sharing with friends that you otherwise wouldn't have. I don't Facebook anymore and got rid of MySpace so long ago I don't remember. I don't want to get rid of LJ and Dreamwidth though. I apologize for my idiocy.

I pulled my back, sorta, again. It's gone out 3 times already and I didn't get PT bc my insurance wasn't paying for it bc they're assholes. My mom just got a house so I was doing her lawn and I didn't do my stretches like the smart person I am. By the next day my back was getting sore like my other muscles and since my back is always in spasm, the further tightening was causing sciatic pain and I couldn't walk too well. I took a left over muscle relaxer before bed last night and I can stand upright again. I brought my heating pad to work too. These chairs kill my back, man. Godamnit, I'm old.

Anyway, I have to study for a calculus test bc I'm trying to change my career and my life by getting a better education and doing something that I love instead of barely tolerate. I don't like my job. I loved PBS even when I didn't but this local shit is the dumps. It's also $3 more an hour sooooo..... It just blows to have a job that you dread going into. I really hope I stop sabotaging myself and can get through a few years of schooling to an amazing job in science. I completely forgot the make up test was tomorrow, until about an hour ago, and I haven't studied.

My life is work and school. I work nights so I barely see any friends or my girl. I get to see her on Saturday for about four hours.... Then she's in bed and I'm on the couch playing video games until bed time. At least I have my kitties. Part of my problem is being alone all the time. Maybe LJing at 2am is the way to go.

Alright. That's it. (shrug) Same old crap, different day. See "yous guys" later.